Flatpack Hell.

By the time you read this on Sunday morning, I shall either be making my way to Stonham Barns for the third day of the Legends Comic-Con or will already be there. It’s a three-day event which is why I’m writing this on Thursday morning. Today is a day of preparing – for the Comic-Con, for starting my new job next Monday, this blog, and a week’s worth of meals because I will be home late almost every day.

I am looking forward to this weekend, although we booked it so long ago I can’t get my head around the fact it’s happening tomorrow. It’s a bit like Christmas. You know it’s coming but because you wait all year for it once Christmas Eve arrives it is still impossible to grasp that it’s actually happening the next day.

Anyway, I am more or less ready. I ordered the books for it several weeks ago and they all arrived safe and sound. Because it’s a Comic-Con I will only be taking fantasy and sci-fi books so that’s Black Ice, The Forest, Lifesong, Erinsmore, and Mage Quest. I hope I have enough books. I could only afford to buy a dozen copies of Black Ice, twenty copies of Lifesong, ten each of The Forest and Erinsmore, and five of Mage Quest. I don’t know what I’ll do if I run out of books – just stand there and tell people all about them, maybe.

It looks like a fun weekend and there is a lot happening. As well as us authors there selling and signing our books, there is cosplay, exhibitions, crazy golf, laser tag, light sabre displays and lessons, several food and drink stands, quizzes, a treasure hunt, and live music. The tickets are only £10 per adult and under 12s get in for free. If you’re in the area, why not pop along and say hello?

So, last time we chatted I was getting ready for my official birthday shenanigans. How did it go? If I say swimmingly will you understand that it pissed it down with rain all day? And I mean RAIN. Not just light spits and spots or occasional showers. No, it was a heavy, constant rain of epic biblical proportions. The meal went well. We were undercover and the rain wasn’t that bad. We had a wonderful meal at The Old Canon Brewery, and they even gave us a lovely tray of brownies to take away because it was my birthday, which were delicious. During the meal, I announced to those who didn’t know about my new job.

We hurried down to the Abbey Gardens as the skies darkened and the rain grew heavier. Because we were late getting there the prime spots under the trees had all been taken so we had to set up out in the open. We had no sooner put up our chairs in a row and sat down than the heavens opened, and it started to rain properly. Heavy, cold, properly wet rain quickly drenched everything. We put up umbrellas and huddled under rugs and blankets.

The rain got into the sound system so we could barely hear what the actors were saying. Bravely, they battled with the elements steadily getting more and more wet. We had taken desserts with us, but it was too wet to even think about trying to unpack them. Instead, we each huddled in solitary misery under our brollies and tried to keep the rain out of our drinks.

Could there be anything more British than watching outdoor Shakespeare in the pouring rain clutching glasses of prosecco in frozen hands? In the interval, the people behind us even bought ice creams.

We stuck it out to the end, then sloshed home and got changed into warm clothing. Tired and cold to the bone, the lodger and I watched TV together. She had wine but I wasn’t feeling too good so had a cup of tea.

I then had eight days off before Franki and Rys returned. Eight days off sounds like a lot, and you would think I had time to write, relax, rest. Nope. Almost the whole week was taken up with preparing the boxroom. As I told you last time, I was having real problems with Argos. On Sunday, I tried just ordering the mattress – figuring at least they would have something to sleep on – and it let me do that and put it on my card with twelve months of interest-free credit. I have been researching what’s going on with Argos now and apparently, it’s a new policy that instead of letting us place a large order and giving interest-free credit on the total, you now have to buy each item separately. This is all well and good but means you end up paying a delivery fee on each item and only getting the credit terms that the value of the individual item entitles you to. Sneaky, Argos, very sneaky.

As you know, I had ordered the three bookcases, the blinds, duvet, barbecue cover, and mirror to be collected from the local store. On Monday I drove there to collect them. The bookcases were so heavy I had to wheel them out to the car one by one. The lovely assistant helped me and as we chatted, I told her I was an author and she got very excited about it and found my website on her phone. An avid reader, she promised to check out my books. I was so grateful for her help, that when I went back on Tuesday to collect the barbecue cover, I took her a copy of Becoming Lili and signed it for her. Who knows? Maybe this simple act of generosity will mean a new loyal reader.

I bought sheets, pillowcases, and a mattress protector from Dunelm whilst I was at that end of town, and, as I was there, popped into Dreams to say hello and took a pack of biscuits with me.

My first thought as I walked in was how clean and spacious it looked. They were pleased to see me – it was my two favourite colleagues in the store that day – and we chatted. They asked how the new job was going and I told them I’d already left and found another job. I think they were both a bit envious that I’m getting out of retail entirely. Apparently, they still haven’t found a replacement for me, and it made me smile that there are now two companies in town trying to replace me.

I also sorted out the issue of furniture. Measuring up the room again and using cardboard boxes to replicate the furniture and the space it would take up in the room, I concluded that trying to squeeze a wardrobe in there as well simply wasn’t going to work. Although the room looked spacious when empty, I knew once a bed went in there that the available space would shrink to almost nothing. I looked on the local second-hand furniture page and found a few pairs of bedside cabinets that looked nice. I sent messages to the sellers asking if they were still available. Then I found a couple of pretty white metal bedframes and again I messaged the sellers. Only one person out of the seven people I messaged bothered to get back to me and that was the seller of one of the beds. Yes, she told me, the bed was still available, and she lived locally. I asked if she thought I’d be able to get the bed into the back of a Toyota Yaris. Hmm, she said, probably not. Where exactly did I live? I told her and she said she was coming into town that day anyway and had a spacious enough car to fit the bed in easily. Would it help if she dropped it off? I thanked her very much and we agreed on a time. I dashed to the ATM to get cash for her and bought a small box of chocolates as a thank you, because it was very nice of her, and she didn’t have to do it – and most people wouldn’t have done it. Anyway, she dropped the bed off and it was lovely. Just a simple little bed that would go nicely in the room.

Giving up on ever hearing from the other sellers, I looked on Amazon for bedside chests and a large shallow chest of drawers that could be delivered within the next day or so. I found a pair of very sweet little bedsides for £55 the pair. Could they be delivered in time? They could. I then found a perfect chest of drawers. As I’d given up on the wardrobe idea, I decided to get the largest chest of drawers I could and provide ample storage space. I found a lovely looking one for £110 and ordered it.

I also tried to make the bookcases. I made one without too much hassle. It was hard doing it by myself, by hand, in a confined space, but I managed it. Then I tried to make the next one. Nope. The bolts got stuck in the holes so I could neither tighten them nor undo them. My hand was a mass of sore bleeding blisters. I gave up for the day and had dinner.

The next day, Wednesday, was a busy one. First, the mattress was delivered from Argos and the delivery drivers carried it upstairs and propped it in the room. Then the bedside cabinets arrived. A little smaller than they looked in the picture, but sweet and thankfully ready-made, not flatpack.

Then my Dad arrived, equipped with a drill, and ready to help. What’s first? He asked. I showed him the bookcases I hadn’t managed to assemble, and we started with them. It was amazing how much easier it was with the right tools and two people. Both bookcases were assembled in no time, and we carried them into the middle room and screwed them to the wall for maximum stability. My measuring proved spot on, and the three cases filled the alcove with a couple of centimetres to spare. The curtains were in the way, so we took them down – there is a lovely Roman blind at the window with blackout lining, so the curtains were purely decorative. Below are photos of the middle room. I am so happy with how this room turned out. It’s now a lovely sitting room and library, plus the day bed is a very comfortable single bed if we ever need an extra bed.

Then we put up the blind in the boxroom. It too has a blackout lining which is also thermal reflective so if the sun is beating down on that window they can pull down the blind and keep the room cool. By now it was lunchtime, so we stopped for sandwiches and coffee and Amazon delivered the chest of drawers – in two very heavy boxes which we had to open downstairs and ferry everything up.

After lunch, we assembled the chest of drawers. Now, this makes it sound easy. It wasn’t. I think the schematics for the space shuttle are probably less complicated than the ones for this chest. There were no written instructions, just fourteen pages of incomprehensible diagrams with arrows coming in from all directions.

I put on my glasses and looked at them. Feeling my way through, part by part, and image by image, we painstakingly put the chest together. There was a decorative frame around it and a stepped-back plinth at the bottom which muddied the waters and made it hard to see how it was all going to fit together. But we managed it. By now it was late, we were both very tired, and Mum was calling asking where Dad was. We decided to call it a day and he promised to come back on Thursday to assemble all the individual drawers and the bed, and then hang the two blinds in my room. I ate dinner, fell asleep on the sofa, then woke up and went to bed.

I overslept on Thursday and struggled to get going, drinking strong coffee, and thinking how it was a good job I’d had the week off work, I made a start on the drawers. They were comparatively straightforward, just fiddly and time-consuming, and I had put a couple together by the time Dad arrived. We set up a mini production line and built the rest of the drawers. Trying to put them into the chest there was a moment of panic when one wouldn’t fit until we realised there were left and right-hand drawers, so that was all right.

Then we built the bed. I knew this wouldn’t be a problem because I’ve assembled these types of simple frames before. In between helping me, Dad had to take Mum to her hospital appointment and then go and collect her again. We had lunch and put the mattress on the bed. Whilst Mum and I put the bedding on, Dad hung the full-length mirror on the wall, and then the room was completed as far as we could go. By now it was getting late, and I could see how tired Dad was. We looked at my windows to see how easily my new blinds would go up. Not very easily at all, was the answer. I have wooden pelmets over the windows, and they would need to come down to allow access to the frame to drill holes for the new blinds. It was decided to leave them for now. After my parents left, I measured the space I had left in the room and thought there was enough to fit in a narrow console table on the wall opposite the foot of the bed and a tall, wedge-shaped laundry basket in the corner. The table could be delivered on Saturday, but the laundry basket not until the following Tuesday. Oh well, I thought, they can do without a laundry basket for one night. After all, how much washing could they generate in one night? Answer, none, but they could and did arrive with a suitcase of dirty clothes.

On Friday morning I had a lot of running around. I had my prescription to collect, a trip to the recycling yard to get rid of all the packaging buying so much furniture had generated, and a large shopping order to collect from Tesco. I had a book review to write. Emails to answer and then it was the Authors meet up in the afternoon. This was going to be the first one I’d been able to attend for two months so I was looking forward to it.

Friday evening is normally wine, pizza, and movie night with the lodger but she was staying at her daughter’s flat as she didn’t feel very well so we postponed to Saturday night. Instead, I had spaghetti and an early night – which was probably a good thing.

Saturday had been earmarked to tidy and clean the house, sort out the garden, water and feed all my pots, change my sheets, and catch up with laundry. The new table was delivered in the afternoon, and I began to put it together. It had been delivered in one piece that only needed the four legs bolted on. I mean, how hard could it be?

OMG. How bloody buggery bollocking hard was it!? I got three legs on then could not get the fourth leg on. Examining it closely, I realised that one of the support struts that the legs bolted into had been built into the top upside down, so the bolt holes were in the wrong place. No amount of trying was going to get those bolts into the holes. It was a physical impossibility. I cursed a lot. Then calmed down and thought about it. Yes, I could complain to Amazon and get a replacement, but that was going to take days and I wanted it now. I held the fourth leg in place and put a sharp screwdriver through the bolt holes and marked the place there should be holes. The bolts were too blunt to screw directly into the wood, so I got two long sharp screws and screwed those in instead. It worked. The leg was firmly secured, and the table was steady. I fixed in place the two shelves and stood the table in place. It was a bit rocky because of the uneven floorboards. I would have to think of some way to fix that.

By now it was late in the afternoon, and I was very hot and sweaty, so I jumped into the shower to freshen up ready for a relaxing evening.

Sunday I finished cleaning the house and made sure everything was ready for the next day. Not only were Franki and Rys arriving on the 4.30pm train, but I had a photo shoot at 2pm. I desperately need a new author photo as mine is years old and I no longer look like that. A fellow author from the Writers of Bury & Beyond had arranged a photo session with me and two other authors with a photographer pal of hers. I was dubious – I am notoriously unphotogenic and hate all photos of me – but I needed a photo so decided to give it a go.

Not surprisingly, by the time Sunday evening rolled around, I was exhausted so I had an early night, only to be woken early Monday morning by my landline ringing. It was Franki. Their train had been cancelled due to strike action.

Half asleep, I wasn’t sure what I could do – I really didn’t want to have to drive to Wales to collect them – and I asked how far they could get on the train. Crewe was the reply. Now Crewe is the town nearest their university which is at least a nine-hour round journey. Not helpful. I’ll look at my train app, Franki told me, and call you back.

Now thoroughly awake, I got up and showered. Peering at my eye bags in the mirror I hoped that thick foundation would cover them or that the photographer could do something clever. Thirty minutes later Franki called back. They’d managed to get seats on a train heading out of Wales that went to Birmingham. From there, they hoped to get a train to Cambridge and from there a train to Bury St Edmunds. The whole malarky was going to add two hours to their travelling time so they’d not reach me until 6.30pm.

I rushed around the house getting the last bits and pieces done. Just as I was about to leave for the photoshoot there was a bang at the door, and it was their laundry basket – arrived a day early with no warning from Amazon that it was coming. Typical. I quickly assembled it and put it in the room. It’s standing in a corner by the old chimney breast where the floorboards have been repaired with an odd bit of wood. It rocked dreadfully so I needed something to lift one corner. Earlier in the morning I’d dashed into Wilco looking for something to stop the table rocking and found a pack of sticky pads to go on furniture feet to stop them scratching the floor. They could be stuck several deep and two of them had been enough to fix the wobbly table. I stacked them up on the bottom of the laundry basket. It took five until it was high enough to be even and not rock.

Then I shot off for the photo shoot and what can I say except I hated it. I detest having my photo taken and this was no exception. It’s funny because I don’t mind taking videos of myself and I’ve even taken the odd selfie on my tablet which I’ve used on social media. But there is something about rigidly posing for photos and trying to remember what to do with my face that simply doesn’t work for me and certainly does not lead to good photos. I hate them. All of them. There’s not a single one I want to keep, much less use as my author photo – in fact, I would go as far as saying I don’t actually want to ever see these photos again. I am cross with myself for doing the shoot and wasting two weeks’ grocery bills on a silly photo shoot only to get pictures that make me look like an eighty-year-old chimpanzee who hasn’t slept for a week.

All through the shoot I was checking my phone. They’d made it to Birmingham, then Ely, then they’d reached Cambridge. Franki asked if I’d pick them up from Cambridge, but they weren’t getting there until 5pm and trying to get out of Cambridge bang on rush hour would be an utter nightmare and we’d take longer to get home by car than they would to get here by train.

Once the shoot finished, I rushed home and put together two meatball and pasta bakes – one veggie – so they were ready to slide into the oven to heat through later. I’d just finished when Franki messaged that they were ten minutes out of Bury so I jumped in the car and drove to the station to collect them.

Two exhausted, stressed, and wrung-out little people got off that train. Far from having a holiday in Wales with Rys and their family, they have been helping Rys’s mother move house so have been working nonstop. I took them home and showed them the rooms – they loved them – then put the oven on and pootled about the kitchen getting dinner ready. I couldn’t believe the size portion Franki had – I don’t think I’ve ever seen my offspring eat so much in one go – and they were very grateful for a filling, home-cooked meal. Early night for everyone.

Tuesday was a quiet day. They sorted through all the boxes of books and knickknacks and arranged the new bookcases to their liking. We had dinner together and vegged out in front of the TV.

Wednesday we spent most of the day with my parents and went out for a nice lunch. The weather here isn’t great – certainly not summer weather – and we got wet walking home.

And then today, Thursday, has been a day of preparation. I am preparing for the three-day event this weekend, writing this blog, preparing posts for the next few days to go on social media, meal planning, food shopping, and preparing to start my new job on Monday. It’s a shame I won’t get a break between the Comic-Con and starting work, but it is what it is.

And that is you all up to date. It’s now 3.30pm and I still have to prepare for an early start tomorrow, so I better close now, upload this, and schedule it for Sunday morning. By the time we next speak, I will have finished my two-week intensive training and will hopefully be settled in at the new job. After that, I will mostly be working two days a week with five whole days to do what I like. Bliss.

Take care, everyone.

Julia Blake